Your Abs Aren’t Welcome On This Beach
Step right up, sir, and madam!
I see you’ve got your sunblock, your pool noodles and boogie boards, and oh look! That’s cute, the little ones have their arm floaties. Looks like you’re just about ready to enjoy a lovely day on our beautiful little sandy piece of heaven!
And will you look at the water today? Gorgeous.
Woops, haha, not so fast. I apologize, before we admit you we just need to have you pass through our “fit fence, ” you know, just to make sure you “fit!” Haha, a little joke we like to make…
Hmm, ok, you all seem to be able to fit through that space in our fence, but I gotta be honest, I’m not so sure about mom there…
Ma’am, allow me?
Let me just pull out these calipers here…
Ah… Yes, I was afraid of that.
You’re abs aren’t beach-ready. Yes, you do indeed fit, but you see here? Your subcutaneous fat is certainly out of our acceptable range. Yes Madame, I apologize, but it’s just our policy, we only allow beach-ready abs on our beach.
Yes Ma’am, I understand, at first it does seem a bit ludicrous, but it’s not really that crazy if you think about it. You’ve been getting the warnings for years. You can’t possibly expect me to believe that you haven’t seen thousands of our messages urging you to get your abs beach-ready. We’ve been slathering it all over magazines, blogs, network news health segments, everywhere we could think to get the word out. You can’t say we haven’t tried.
Now little ones, no need to cry! Your mother will be able to join you on the beach next year! She just needs to read some more health and beauty magazines and take more responsibility for how she looks. We’re going to send her next door to the gym while you go have fun with your Pops. Though, I wonder if he’ll be welcome if he doesn’t do some serious ass-kicking over the next few months. We’ll see. We’re a bit easier on the gentlemen. If they don’t have flat abs, we’ll accept overly worked biceps as a substitute.
Chin up, Madame, they’ll be fine. You run along now. Here’s an issue of Prevention Magazine and some Jillian Michaels DVDs. You just do what they say, and your abs will be beach-ready in no time.
Literally! No time!
Good day, Madame.